I think I've rationalized it pretty well. I wore diapers every night and wet the bed until I was around 7 years old but I probably could have stopped before then, I just don't think I wanted to because I liked the feeling of wearing them and wetting them. I'm certain I remember the pressure on my dick would sometimes give me a pre-pubescent hard-on especially when I'd wake up in the morning and it would be full. I don't know much about how the brain works but I'm pretty certain that's the reason I'm here over 20 years later. I think my parents got tired of spending the money on them so they stopped buying them and I stopped wetting the bed immediately when they were all used them up. But I retained the desire to want to wear them, the obsession specifically being around the Goodnights diapers that I wore.
To try to simulate the feeling I'd often stuff a pillow in my underwear when I was in bed at night. I think I was only 11 years old when one night I had done this and started humping it and kept going because it felt good until I came for the first time. I had no idea about anything sexual so I thought I had broken my dick or something. But it didn't take long for me to try it again and then before long I was doing that every night imagining I was wearing a diaper and I did it for years. I'm struggling to remember the timeline for the way things progressed next but I guess this was my sexual awakening and it was also around this time that I started to become interested in girls.
It was probably when I was 13 and starting high school when I started to get occasional time at home alone. There would be an hour before my sister would come home from primary school and my parents wouldn't be home for another two hours after that. During that alone time I would go on the computer and look for pictures of naked girls and girls wearing diapers to fap to.
I believe that a consequence of this obsession was that it led into my other obsessions and fetishes because the stuff I would look for to masturbate to started to change over time. One of the things I liked about diapers was how they would swell and get bigger, that I'd be essentially making them bigger with my dick. I remember wondering if I could find videos online about boobs getting bigger, boobs were my favorite sexual feature of the female body and I quickly discovered my breast expansion fetish because there was already some rare BE material online at that time. That eventually also led to pregnancy and lactation fetishes. I'm convinced that those fetishes are a result of that same association my brain made between sexual pleasure and filling something up/seeing something swell up, just being applied to women's bodies. And the diaper fetish took a back seat to those fetishes but it never really went away.
From when I could drive and had some money in my late teens to my mid 20s I would occasionally buy a pack of Goodnites to wear for brief pleasure sessions. I lost the desire to want to wet them myself because I find that unsanitary and gross, so I'd fill them with water to simulate the feeling. But I am a very big guy, 6"3, weight fluctuating around 225lbs so they were uncomfortable, they barely fit, the sides would rip, they'd leak/burst. I got fed up with it and vowed to stop buying them but I occiaosnally still fap to rare pictures I can find online where some girl really fills one like picrel. They are hard to find, most girls who post pic online these days don't really ever post pictures of full ones.
But then, literally 2 or 3 weeks ago they released a new XXL size of Goodnites. My obsession came creeping back so and I ordered some and despite only claiming to fit a maximum weight of 165lbs, I'm convinced these are much larger and designed for adults to wear who had been asking them to make a larger size because they fit me shockingly well. I really don't have any adult baby aspect to it and never have. I once went to a lactation/pregnancy themed brothel in Japan where you could pay extra to have the escorts put a diaper on you and baby you but I had no interest in that, just sex. To this day its just the feeling of wearing them and seeing them all swollen up that I like. I'll fill one up with water, put it on and before long I am rock hard and can even use it to fap.
I guess it really is a life long thing at this point. I sometimes wonder about what my sexual trajectory would have been like had things played out differently. Would I have developed the same other fetishes I have? Would I have a healthier sex life? I guess I'll never know. Anyways that's my story,