I think I've been here before Anon. I was in a bad way that I really couldn't describe and I would try to intellectualize it but it was in vain and never lead to any solutions. I came to eventually describe my state as like being in Hell, but just without the veil of illusion being pulled off to fully see it. I spent months seeking God, trying to pray, trying to repent, and looking into Orthodox Christianity, and it was the absolute best thing to happen to me in the span of like 5 years. It was also the only thing that helped me successfully start weening off of porn, which I did continually fall back into, but there was never a time I more successfully avoided it. I felt much sorrow in that time, but it was a good thing. It felt like Christianity, particularly Orthodox Christianity, had everything I needed for my soul, like it ACCOUNTED for my predicament, like nothing else could have, it gave me a context through which to understand it, even if I couldn't inform others of what Orthodoxy is really all about. It seemed to account for spiritual reality, and there was almost a physics to it, maybe it just is what made me cognizant of metaphysics or something. I fell back into some of my sins, like porn, and such since then, and I don't think the path I've taken since is the one I was on before, even if I can get back on that path, but I haven't felt horrible in the way I did before. Before, it was like I suffered from some kind of demonic feeling, like a thirst that couldn't be quenched, and a subtle kind of wrath or something, and I can thank God that I do not suffer from that now. I guess I would say this. I'm not one to give advice like a priest or something, I can't say that I live up to what is demanded of the Christian, but I think I can say this... If the solutions you seek in life don't account for your soul, and spiritual movement and transformation, it might not be helpful and will perhaps leave you hungry, thirsting. It was daunting when I first really confronted things in Christianity, it shook me. It taught me trembling, and at one point I learned pain of heart, and if your way of life has been a Godless one, I would imagine that it's not abnormal for that to happen. I don't know if that's helpful, but I do believe that in this there are worthy considerations that may be helpful to you. I found a few channels on youtube helpful in that regard. Father Spyridon, Orthodox Wisdom, C.M. Bradley (he has 2 videos in paritucular that were good which I found useful, one on Father [and recognized by many as a Saint] Seraphim Rose, and another on Allan Watts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ye-uVX-nwZU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtdujL4O0Kg There was also this video https://odysee.com/@OwenBenjamin:6/episode1489:9 It's just a conversation but I came away from watching that stream with hope in a time when I needed it, whether everything said is accurate or not, so I figured I'd mention it as well. The youtube channel Luke Smith, and that guy's little advice videos I found very helpful, I'd say that some of the things he said helped me quit watching porn because it changed my outlook on it and made me take responsibility. I know some of this is kind of loose but once again, they are just some of the things I found helpful. God bless you on your journey OP. God is loving and merciful.

>>675 >get my life under control Save yourself the trouble. I have my life under perfect control by all conventional standards and I'm no less lost for it. >>701 Maybe not a bad idea but if you have a skeptical nature like me then it will ultimately not work, unless you can get God to directly give you a kind of knowledge which by definition would avoid the problem of the impossibility of indirect knowledge. I didn't get any further than this myself but definitely don't waste your time trying to "get your life under control" in any conventional sense.

>>701 maybe my weakness is that i just cant submit myself to another power. not just God, but any spirit.

>>704 You can try a different approach. Who or what are you, anyway, and if you think you know, how do you think you know?

>>705 i am an autonomous actor trying to achieve something at different points in time. this type of thinking has enabled me to function somewhat when i need to, and it feels like i am an insect operating on instinct, with an actually physical feeling of loss behind my eyes where the cortex is. i know christianity is true, but i think everything else is true at the same time like the warp in 40,000. my main plan now is to escape into a "painted world" and become my own demiurge

>>705 if you meant my identity/ego then i think its some kind of algorithm/configurate unique to me. im not scared of death because i know the process can just turn back on at any time

need space, a period of no stimulus to collect my mental strength. the proper food, sleep, and plenty physical activity to reset the body. once the body is rebuilt i can fast or something for the soul.

>>706 >like the warp in 40,000 I don't know what that is but I guess I understand, sort of. I also believe, at least on an intuitive level, that there is something significant about at least the sayings of the gospels and I get the same with other sources like the Upanishads or Heraclites or whatever, yet I don't think it can be all put together in a coherent way, except maybe in some way that transcends normal understanding like I may have glimpsed with psychedelics, which may be like that "warp" you're talking about (?). >>709 Yes, that's what I meant. Since you said you have difficulty with devotional practices I thought maybe some introspective approach might be more helpful, to deconstruct the "ego" which is resisting the devotional practice.

>>711 the warp, or immaterium, is a fictional dimension that draws inspiration from concepts like the astral plane. the thoughts and feelings of material beings manifest in the warp like coloured dyes in an empty ocean and gravitate over time to form different things. thats a brief and poor summary. it allows for multiple faiths to be true at the same time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27PIaW3PTUs i am the ego, i want to construct myself to be even better

>>712 I tried to watch it but it's so verbose and seems to create more questions than it answers ... how is that supposed to explain how two contradictory statements can be true at the same time? In a way that is more satisfactory than the admittedly hand-waving "in some way that transcends reason"? (And without denigrating the faiths to mere "upayas" like a nondualist explanation would) >i am the ego, i want to construct myself to be even better How do you know that's what you should do and how would you know what is better anyway?

>>713 different structures can exist in the same medium. >How do you know that's what you should do and how would you know what is better anyway? because i will be able to effect more and do so with more efficiency. its what i should do because it is what will get me to where i want to go. this thread has been useful in that it clarified again what my course is.

>>715 >different structures can exist in the same medium. But aren't the different faiths in the same structure, or what do you mean by a structure, exactly? Like, to use a concrete example: Christians believe that Jesus was the Messiah and Jews believe that he was not. Both statements exist in this my awareness now. How can both be true? If by structure you mean something like universe I guess there could be parallel universes where in each one is true, respectively, and the other false, but not one where both are true.

>>718 here a faith or belief is a structure. so, when the Christian God makes the universe that's just one system in the medium.

>>718 with 40k, the is the one physical universe and then the parallel universe of thought, emotion and belief that copies the physical. if you have enough faith in something or for long enough like the mustard seed quote, then it will form in the warp as a real thing, and it may even be strong enough to happen in physical space.

>>818 I'm not challenging that both beliefs exist, but how does this make it possible for both to be true? >>819 I'm sure there are plenty of both Christians and Jews who have plenty of faith, but how could the contradictory faiths form as real things except in "parallel universes"?

>>818 >when the Christian God makes the universe that's just one system in the medium It seems like what you're saying is similar to the clay or gold analogies used by nondualists, or perhaps we could say a kind of pantheism or panentheism, but if so then I don't think it shows that both faiths are true but rather that actually neither is really true and ultimately only the "medium" is real. This is only superficially apparently compatible with those faiths because all of them make a claim to absolute truth.

>>831 i just think its an ocean with fish of varying sizes.