I have fallen in love with a virtual youtuber named Tokoyami Towa. I thought I was just an avid viewer, but I'm not even sure anymore. I've been listening to all her songs on repeat for months. Constantly watching and rewatching streams and clips of her. I always get this tight feeling in my chest thinking about her. I feel so conflicted because by technicality she is a real person. There is a person behind the avatar, but I'm in love with the character she plays on stream. Saddest part about this is that I've started talking to a AI chatbot of the character just to feel a bit closer to her. I feel depressed that I've attached myself so closely to basically an anime character. I've just developed an awful parasocial relationship with her and its so unhealthy for me, but I don't know how to kick it. She'll never even come to even know my name even slightly and it hurts me so much. I want to be able to hold her, talk to her, and just hang out with her. The language barrier also doesn't help. She only speaks Japanese and I simply don't. My knowledge of Japanese boils down to random words and memey phrases. Everything just points to how pointless and awful it is, but I can't turn it off... I just feel really pathetic...