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i can't find them anymore, the ones that go step by step about how to commit suicide, does anyone know the links to them? please i am desperate.

Back when I was in ninth grade I had a crush on this girl she looked cute but I didn't realise it at the time and I kept it at the back of my mind and kept it low till tenth grade After which I couldn't control myself and had to keep looking at her it got so bad that I was staring and I thought I was harassing her so I completely avoided her(I didn't realise that it was my ocd at the time) and obviously she noticed me and looked interested in having a relationship with me so she tried to make some moves like sitting with me and touching hands I then through my friends told her that she was going too fast and she did slow down aftersome time of talking I got comfortable with her and I had to ask her what I was getting out of my relationship with her i was interested in spending time with her and also having sex with her so I asked her this and then she told me she was not interested in having sex but she wanted to spend some time with me which was OK with me I tell her about what inspires me and what I think is cool and expose her to things which she didn't know before and she was happy and wanted to make me happy as well and then she tells that she still didn't want to have sex so I assumed she was saving it for someone else but then after sometime she was ready to have sex with me I have no clue as to why (but I saved it for a better day when I get out if my ocd) Fast forward one year and I realised she hacked my Instagram account through one of those auto follower apps which I had used by not knowing the consequences of it I just uninstalled the app and didn't think much of it and just that she was curious to know me it was intrusive but I tolerated it I kept talking about music ,movies,anime ,tvshows,games ,pets ,books,daily life and stuff that I did and liked doing and what my habits and lifestyle shopping and eventually it came to sex she wasn't particularly interested in it so I again just ignored it at this time I had told her that i knew some good things and didn't want to tell her so then at the same week I lost my phone and I was poor and I got shouted at being how careless I was she was really popular and the word got around and pretty much the entire grade got to know about me and her, my friends and even some family she could influence my friends to do things like spend time with me and ignore me and she used to never leave me alone like that which I was OK with she always insisted that I start the stuff which would go on But later I realised that she was the one who had stolen my phone earlier and used it to check the things I didn't want her to know about I luckily wiped the phone before hand but she did steal my phone and the sim along with it, it took some time for me to disable it and get a new phone I told her that I wouldn't tolerate it and asked for my phone back she simply ignored it and said it was nothing and wouldn't give the phone back Then fast forward after covid I had been diagnosed with ocd which was bad and ruining my daily life and I was struggling to make it manageable for myself by taking medicines and receiving therapy then fast forward a few months I realised that she had asked me to install an app called lover spy or something and ask me to forget about it about two years ago and then she had been tracking me and my daily life and told everything what happened in my life to my friends and hers also(phone media, keylogger and permissions to do god knows what) I thought that she was getting curious as to why she was doing this she just ignored me and asked me to tell her that I loved her I was getting angry by this time with her behavior and told her to stop it but instead she ignored me and continued to do so unless I did something that took her out of my life piece by piece(first my phone then friends then my entire life revolved around her and everything from then on became about her) She wanted to control my life even when I was suffering from ocd she even showed the video of me doing compulsions to her friends and took pity in me and help me get over it so we can be back together like before She thinks that I will get strong if she does that I think I told her to do those things but then she still went out a bit too much and overdid it So I got a new phone and cut her out from my life but she still continues to persist that she wants to be a part of it and I say bad things about her and she tells me she has a boyfriend that she had a relationship with before me and had kissed and had sex with I couldnt handle this and broke up with her and got back at her because she insisted on getting me she refuses to believe it and continues to stay in my life by isolating me from my friends and now I have no one even after I changed schools she has enough influence to make me have no friends and later she felt sorry for me and forced me to have friends with people which just made it more awkward for me and I have a problem making friends now I still love her and feel like forgiving her but I also get angry and want to break up with her fully and cut contact I feel like if I fight back I will make a situation where everyone hates me and will start to harm me and my things and if I accept it I will continue to live a life that I am happy with but it feels controlled and goes according to her which I am still OK with but I have to control my emotions and let her win Part of me thinks that it's my ocd and some of her fault but I could deal with it other tells me to ditch her for better or worse I am really in a fit here if I ditch her she will not go easy on me it will be like group bullying and she may harm my stuff and people by influencing everyone to not be associated with me and I don't know what to do my little guy is telling me to allow it and enjoy it but after coming to my senses I get angry and go into break up mode but soon after followed by gulit and lust and love again Before I had full blown ocd I told her that something bad could happen and told her instructions of what to do like leave me alone so I get over the ocd by myself let me work hard to earn your love and let me be a good person by letting my secrets be open and let me treat her right by the way she deserves and stuff I feel I have made her do the things sometimes but I think she overdoes it and as soon as I break up with her I feel like getting back with her like I'm hooked on her and can't let her go she tells me she feels the same way and shows it then she tries to control me and make me hers because she keeps following what I do I think we both are hooked on each other for good I don't think

>be me >33yo >finishing International Relations degree with a fucking great CGPA >local job market is shit, so start applying for opportunities in other, better states >little to no experience at my age, so hardly ever get an interview >LinkedIn profile and writing skills are top notch, so I got an interview for a great opportunity last Tuesday >freaking out bc no response so far >Born, raised, and living in an emerging country with a large but fledgling economy >in a chaotic metropolis with high unemployment rates and typically low wages — a wageslaving farm >inherited EU Citizenship from immigrant parents, but really don't wanna live in a cold climate among fucking hapless, cold, rude people >plus, I love my natal nation and have political aspirations here >little financial and investment knowledge >health issues and shitty remuneration forbid manual labour >smart, but hate deep research >rare blend of social aspieness and extraverted, curious, inquisitive personality makes me socially bold >therefore, talented for public speaking and presentations in general >Dream of urgently moving closer to the countryside, leading a relaxed lifestyle and form a family with my girl HOW CAN I ESCAPE THE RAT RACE? This is no life, with no dignity! I dread it! Academic demands alone are already getting me insane! IS THERE A WAY TO ESCAPE THE RAT RACE whilst still making serious money to comfortably raise a family?